top of page
  • Writer's pictureBrian Bachman

Navigating Being Angry: Unveiling the Whys and Hows of Anger Management


Unraveling the complex web of emotions surrounding anger is crucial for effective anger management. Just like a tree's intricate root system supports its growth, understanding the roots of our anger can nurture our emotional well-being. This journey requires introspection, acknowledging why we are angry, non-judgmental curiousity, and learning constructive ways to deal with this powerful emotion.

My Story:

For me, anger used to be a catch-all response, a default emotion that easily overshadowed the complexity of my true feelings. Anger served as my go-to response for any emotion deemed unacceptable, like sadness or vulnerability. It's crucial to recognize that ignoring the cause-and-effect cycle of our emotions won't lead to positive outcomes. Before I understood how to navigate anger in a healither way, I was rude, inensitive, distant and stubborn in my marriage. Avoiding my true feelings was making things worse!

I get it, as men, societal norms often discourage vulnerability, pushing anger to the forefront, but this exacerbates the problem. However, merely acknowledging anger without understanding its underlying causes can unintentionally damage our relationships and lives. If we're going to live productive lives and healthy relationships we must acknowledge the emotions underneath anger and the correlation between Anger, Sadness, Fear & Shame.

"I get it, as men, societal norms often discourage vulnerability, pushing anger to the forefront, but this exacerbates the problem"

Exploring the Roots: Why am I Angry?

  1. Anger as a Response: Anger often masquerades as a catch-all response to various emotions. For many, societal expectations, especially for men, dictate that vulnerability is unacceptable. Consequently, anger becomes a default, overshadowing the nuances of genuine feelings. Ignoring the intricate cause-and-effect dynamics of our emotions can lead to unintentional damage in our relationships and lives.

  2. Types of Anger: Anger can be categorized into two main types: a shield against physical danger, akin to the animal kingdom's defensive responses, and a defense against emotional danger such as sadness, fear, and shame. Understanding these distinctions is vital, as emotionally charged situations can trigger anger as a false sense of power to mask our vulnerability.

  3. Correlation with Other Emotions: Delving into the strong correlation between anger, sadness, fear, and shame is essential. Recognizing that anger often stems from these underlying emotions is the initial step toward developing emotional intelligence. It's a complex interplay where emotional threats trigger anger as a protective mechanism.

"Something hurts, and you need to take care of yourself."

Tools for Effective Anger Management:

  1. Identifying the Root Causes: Recognizing anger as a secondary response is crucial. To break free from the cycle of anger, one must identify why they are angry. This involves exploring the primary emotions that trigger anger and understanding the root causes.

  2. Making Conscious Choices: Instead of succumbing to unbridled anger, individuals can make conscious and productive choices. Creating a welcoming and kind environment for emotions within oneself is pivotal. It entails acknowledging that vulnerability is not a weakness but a crucial aspect of emotional well-being. Something hurts, and you need to take care of yourself.

  3. Strategies for Cooling Down: Anger rarely solves problems; it often exacerbates them. Implementing effective cooling-down strategies is essential. Deep breathing, creating physical and mental space, and recalling positive moments with others can prevent unnecessary conflicts.

  4. Real-Life Application: Utilizing a real-life example can illuminate the importance of addressing the root causes of anger. Rather than allowing anger to fuel pointless fights, exploring the reasons behind the anger, such as feeling disconnected in a relationship, opens the door to building stronger connections.

The Psychology of Anger:

  1. Anger as a Secondary Emotion: Understanding that anger is a secondary response is enlightening. It indicates that there is an underlying emotion preceding anger. Delving into this realm can provide valuable insights into our emotional landscape.

  2. Realizing Emotional Threats: Emotional threats, such as shame or feeling unimportant, often prompt the emergence of anger. The false sense of power that anger provides becomes a shield against the perceived emotional danger. Unraveling these emotional threats is crucial for emotional growth and well-being.

  3. Effective Communication: Anger tends to hinder effective communication. Creating a safe space for expressing vulnerable emotions is essential. Acknowledging that having real conversations about hurt feelings can bring people together and resolve issues is a fundamental aspect of managing anger constructively.

Practical Anger Management Techniques:

  1. Physical and Mental Cool Down: Literal cooling-down techniques, such as taking advantage of a winter environment, deep breathing exercises, or engaging in physical activities like walking, running, or weightlifting, can provide immediate relief.

  2. Reflection and Appreciation: Taking time to reflect on positive aspects, both in oneself and others, can alter the perspective during moments of anger. Remembering the good in people and appreciating their supportive moments can diffuse tension.

  3. Self-Care Practices: Embracing self-care as an integral part of anger management involves recognizing the need for personal well-being. Engaging in activities that bring joy, acknowledging one's emotions, and taking breaks for self-reflection contribute to a healthier emotional state.


In conclusion, anger isn't inherently negative; its constructive management is what truly matters. By understanding the roots of anger, identifying the underlying emotions, and making conscious choices, we can foster healthier relationships and lead more fulfilling lives. This comprehensive guide serves as a roadmap to effective anger management, emphasizing self-awareness, emotional intelligence, and the importance of addressing the roots of this powerful emotion for a balanced and emotionally resilient life.

Check out my video for more information on understanding Anger and Anger Management:

Recent Posts

See All


bottom of page