Anger Management: How to Stop Being Angry

Just like a tree's intricate root system supports its growth, understanding the roots of our anger can be the radical difference between controlling our anger and letting it ruin our family, relationships and work life.

My Story:

For me, anger used to be a catch-all response, a default emotion that easily overshadowed my true feelings. Anger served as my go-to response for any emotion deemed unacceptable, like sadness or vulnerability. I failed to to recognize that ignoring the cause-and-effect cycle of my emotions and it sucked. My marriage suffered, I felt like a failure and my true needs were ultimately ignored.

I get it, as men, we're discouraged to be vulnerable, so we push our anger to the forefront, but this exacerbates the problem

However, merely acknowledging anger without understanding its underlying causes will not fix the problem. If we're going to live out our roles in a way that makes us feel proud and accomplished, we must acknowledge the emotions underneath anger.

Get ready. You're going to hate this: there is a strong correlation between Anger, Sadness, Fear & Shame.

"I get it, as men, we're discouraged to be vulnerable, so we push our anger to the forefront, but this exacerbates the problem"

Exploring the Roots: Why am I Angry?

1. Anger as a Response: Anger often masquerades as a catch-all response to various emotions. For many, and especially for men, we're told that vulnerability is unacceptable. Consequently, anger becomes a default, it's the only midly "acceptable" emotion. But this overshadows what's actually going on underneath. Ignoring the intricate cause-and-effect dynamics of our emotions leads to unintentional, but still very real, damage in our relationships and lives.

2. Types of Anger: Anger can be categorized into two main types: a shield against physical danger, akin to the animal kingdom's defensive responses, and a defense against emotional danger such as sadness, fear, and shame. Why are we talking about danger and animals? Well, our brains still aren't smart enough to determine the difference between phsycial danger and emotional danger and, left unchecked, we react aggresively to both.

3. Correlation with Other Emotions: Delving into the strong correlation between anger, sadness, fear, and shame is essential. Recognizing that anger often stems from these underlying emotions is the initial step toward developing emotional intelligence. It's a complex interplay where emotional threats trigger anger as a protective mechanism.

"Undearneath anger, something hurting and you need to take care of yourself."

Tools for Effective Anger Management:

1. Identifying the Root Causes: Recognizing anger as a secondary response is crucial. To break free from the cycle of anger, one must identify why they are angry. This involves exploring the primary emotions that trigger anger and understanding the root causes.

2. Making Conscious Choices: Instead of letting anger be in the driver seat we have to , can make conscious even counter-intuitive choices. Underneath anger, something hurting and you need to take care of yourself.

3. Strategies for Cooling Down: Anger almost never solves problems; it often exacerbates them. Implementing effective cooling-down strategies is essential. Deep breathing, creating physical and mental space, and recalling positive moments with others can prevent unnecessary conflicts.

4. Real-Life Application: Utilizing a real-life example can illuminate the importance of addressing the root causes of anger. Rather than allowing anger to fuel pointless fights, exploring the reasons behind the anger, such as feeling disconnected in a relationship, opens the door to building stronger connections.

The Psychology of Anger:

1. Anger as a Secondary Emotion: Understanding that anger is a secondary response is enlightening. It indicates that there is an underlying emotion preceding anger. Delving into this realm can provide valuable insights into our emotional landscape.

2. Realizing Emotional Threats: Emotional threats, such as shame or feeling unimportant, often prompt the emergence of anger. The false sense of power that anger provides becomes a shield against the perceived emotional danger. Unraveling these emotional threats is crucial for emotional growth and well-being.

3. Effective Communication: Anger tends to hinder effective communication. Creating a safe space for expressing vulnerable emotions is essential. Acknowledging that having real conversations about hurt feelings can bring people together and resolve issues is a fundamental aspect of managing anger constructively.

Practical Anger Management Techniques:

1. Physical and Mental Cool Down: Literal cooling-down techniques, such as taking advantage of a winter environment, deep breathing exercises, or engaging in physical activities like walking, running, or weightlifting, can provide immediate relief.

2. Reflection and Appreciation: Taking time to reflect on positive aspects, both in oneself and others, can alter the perspective during moments of anger. Remembering the good in people and appreciating their supportive moments can diffuse tension.

3. Self-Care Practices: Embracing self-care as an integral part of anger management involves recognizing the need for personal well-being. Engaging in activities that bring joy, acknowledging one's emotions, and taking breaks for self-reflection contribute to a healthier emotional state.

Conclusion:

In conclusion, anger isn't inherently negative; its constructive management is what truly matters. By understanding the roots of anger, identifying the underlying emotions, and making conscious choices, we can foster healthier relationships and lead more fulfilling lives. This comprehensive guide serves as a roadmap to effective anger management, emphasizing self-awareness, emotional intelligence, and the importance of addressing the roots of this powerful emotion for a balanced and emotionally resilient life.

If you're struggling with anger, I encourage you to join my video workshop to put results driven tools into action.

The Secret Life of Calm: Overcome Anger and Stress through Emotional Regulation

Check out my video for more information on understanding Anger and Anger Management: